warning

that's all, just warning.
i don't know how to describe my mood or explain any of the thoughts i've had in the last 24 hours. i left l'homme dieu yesterday, with the last of my stuff and my cat (who's alternating between under the bathtub and under the work table, but has also been on the bed with me, and eaten a little....i'll take it.)
about here: it's hot. i have no money...due to my own failure to mail checks promptly and the u.s. mail's failure to deliver as expected, i'm actually overdrawn. the fact that i'm publishing that information on the internet should tell you a little about my state of mind.
overwhelmed.
a little anxious...even distantly frantic if that makes any sense.
totally unprepared for what it would feel like emotionally to be here, with an apartment, and a few possible design gigs on the horizon, but no actual income beyond my rent/health insurance fund. totally unprepared for the fact that living in a city would be scary to me. ME? i don't know what's wrong with me...if it's the isolation of the last two months up at the lake, or if i just don't remember what it took to adjust the other direction when i got to champaign-urbana....but i live on really busy streets. i feel like i can't safely leave my windows open when i'm not home. urbanites take themselves seriously, and i don't know if i'll really make friends or if i'll just have co-workers. suddenly the whole thing seems like it might have been a bad idea. should i have come home? should i have gone to chicago? i have no idea. i'm reasonably sure that no matter where i went after grad school there would be an adjustment period and it would be strange.
****WHOA, SIDENOTE: i'm sitting at the "famous" spyhouse coffehouse, which is in my backyard, to use their wi-fi (and air conditioning), and two boys/young men just walked past outside, with carefully positioned sideways hats, carefully bleached and distressed jeans, and --i'm not shitting you-- beltbuckles with moving l.e.d phrases, like the ticker on a deli that lists the numbers being served....and i'm pretty sure the letters moving across them read "fornicator". I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP IF I TRIED, I REALLY COULDN'T.
so there are somethings about urban living that are...entertaining.
i don't really think that i'll give up, or have a breakdown anymore severe than the tears of frustration i've already had...and i think that it will all work itself out in whatever way it's supposed to. but i'm feeling pretty rough about it all right now. it's hard to motivate to unpack...i need a lot of furniture. my mom is coming tomorrow, and we'll get a second bookcase, and at least one dresser, and then i'll have things to unpack into. but i can't believe i ever thought it would be a bad idea for her to come help, i can't imagine doing this without her. i'm also having a little trouble adjusting to the idea that seeing jacob will require several hundred dollars in travel cost, and be much less often than we're used to. that freaks me out a little, too. not in the sense that i worry about us as an "us"...but it's uncomfortable.
THAT'S THE WORD: UNCOMFORTABLE. everything about my surroundings right now is uncomfortable. and make me want to... i don't even know.
and now it's pouring rain! hopefullly that will eleviate some of the humidity and heat. that will also make me more inclined to unpack, if the weather weren't so nasty drippy hot. definitely glad that i moved the futon inside from my car (by myself, today's lesson that you can do things you don't think you're able to) before this started. my mom bought it to save herself the cost of a hotel, but it's here now so come sleep on it!
i should get a few other things done....hopefullly there will be brighter posts in the future, more immediately think good thoughts for me. (thunder and lightening! there are things to love about the midwest!)