losing my gruntles, learning new things, and searching to find my skin

well now i've been spammed too. so i changed the settings on the comment page, hopefully no one else will try to sell me dating websites.
it's been a busy couple days, in tech rehearsal for BORDERTOWN CAFE a hundred miles south of here. i think i like my work, i really wish i could go back tonight or later in the week to see it more complete, but i have to work cirque shifts instead. i've done some cool distressing, learned some new models as well as new techniques... do you know what a farmer who's been combining looks like as opposed to one who's been in the dairy barn? yeah, me either, but the lighting designer's also a farmer, so that's been invaluable. baby oil is my new best friend, and anyone who's ever doubted the veracity of their teacher's warnings about how pervasive dye granuales are should (not) try to use Rit Dye in a kitchen trash can in their bathtub. not recommended, probably not healthy either, but i really had no choice that i could see. it's raining, i couldn't even do it outside. but successful. and if you're wondering, comet makes a no scratch bleach solution paste cleanser that's pretty good. between the dye and the bleach, i think i've had all the toxins i get for the week.
still waiting on word about the costume design assistant position at operatheatre of st.louis, but i did call them and learn that the process has been delayed (by the production mgr's honeymoon --at least it's a happy reason), and they'll know in two or three weeks...
what i really need to do is find a little more stability in myself to face where i am. it's where i wanted to be, but i'm so antsy and anxious that i can't seem to settle into my skin. i just want to be alright with myself in my space and don't understand why i'm having so much trouble with this. sometimes it makes me feel like i'm crazy. there's so much here to feel good about, and it seems like a lot of the time i'm worried about things i can't control or trying to predict the future instead of being in the moment. it frustrates me...