14 hours of sleep and a to do list

today was my first day off in 26.
of those 26, fewer than half a dozen were shorter than 12 hour work days.
of the same 26, more than a dozen (i'd guess) were 15 hour days....
yesterday, after four days of a four person crew working non stop on blue satin tailored jackets (and i mean tailored: horse hair canvas, pad stitching, roll lines, the whole enchilada); my crew and i learned what it feels like to have something cut between final dress and opening night ---the andrews sisters are wearing the red jackets from the previous production. i can't describe how sad erika and i were for our crew, or how loving and sad they were for us.
i left. i had to catch my breath. i drove 40 miles in two hours, down country roads and to lakes i'd never been to. i got stopped in a traffic jam while about thirty canada geese crossed the road (with one mallard at the rear). i went to the grocery store and bought hummus and chips for dinner. i kept driving.
i came back in time to take a brief nap before the show was over and the party started --i knew i couldn't go to the party, but i wanted to hang out with friends in other parts of the campus.... instead i slept for 14 hours.
now it's late, and i'm going to st. cloud tomorrow to pull for anne frank (and to go to the mall, i'm a little sense-deprived)...

but i wanted to let y'all know that i'm alive, and here's why: two nights ago i hung out with friends for the first time all summer at the end of the day. i've been working, sleeping, and getting up to do it again without even realizing the obvious reasons i'm sooo miserable. i hung out and had fun. then i came back to my room and used my fancy prismacolor markers to make the following to do list:
1. breathe
2. let go
3. be gracious
4. try
these are the only things i had to do yesterday, and on that count i think it was a fairly successful day inspite of being violently awful all around.
be in touch y'all.... hey, I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU! tonight i heard my first tornado!!! after three years in illinois, in the tornado belt or whatever, i saw the sky turn green and i heard "the distant rumble of a train"....it was our second tornado warning in two weeks (the first coming at second dress of hello dolly).... i was answering phones in the box office (yes, we're on, yes, we have power, drive safely, see you soon! yes, we're holding the house), making lobby announcements, helping the house manager tear tickets to fill the house faster, and finally pouring pitchers of ice water so that the cast would survive the show without a/c (which went out at the same time that 1/3 of the stage lights with a power outage....so we held the house while they checked and rigged each light cue).... very exciting.
also saw a bald eagle this week.... God is in the details.

on the 8th day there was internet

it's friday. i think. most of the week i've been a day ahead, and vastly relieved to find that i still have a day more than i think i do. right now it doesn't really matter, the feeling that we won't get it all done is so overwhelming i don't care what day it is.
HELLO DOLLY! opens tuesday. i've learned a lot, and am still learning...some of these lessons are good (you can do more than you think you can, you have the necessary skills to make up the ones you lack), and some of these lessons are...hard. i never want to design 4 shows in 10 weeks again. i can't believe i had to get here to realize how painful this would be. the worst part is, if i'm this tired now where will i be next week when we start the next one, or in three weeks for ANNE FRANK? it's horrifying.
the lake is beautiful. it hasn't been that cold. we've had two or three nights of the most amazing thunder storms i've ever experienced...long and loud, right on top of the house, you could almost feel the electricity in doors. the night before the big one, they had just put our dock into the lake (it's 3 feet wide and maybe 12 feet long, kind of like a board walk just above the water level) and lora and i sat on the dock as the storm blew in: not a sound or a smell except the wind and the water. i don't know how fast it was going but i wouldn't be surprised if it was 20 mph ...it was the feeling you get on the bow of a fast moving boat but no diesel smell or engine noise. or standing on a cliff in the wind, but the water was only 12" below where i was sitting. like being blown clean.
we had the first run through tonight, and it confirmed or answered more issues than it raised. which was basically to say that the list is still too long, but there were no huge surprises. i think that's all i have a right to expect right now.
be in touch, now the internet (and wireless! oh my!) is up and running. the cell works, but i'm running about 6-8 days behind on returning calls that aren't show related. i don't think it'll ever slow down, i'm not sure i'll have a day off all summer. not happy about that either...whatever.
peace

ok....go!

hey... so i'm not leaving until wednesday morning, but i think this will be my last post from the couch in the green living room on the second floor at 704 w.california. i've loved this apartment, and i'm starting to get a little sad about leaving it. i'm definitely sad about saying so many goodbyes.
next you'll hear about how good it is to be back in alexandria, how lovely the lake is, how strange the blue laws are, how freekin cold it is... if you want to reach me, i'll be checking the gmail account, and my cell phone works. the address is:
andrea gross
c/o theatre l'homme dieu
p.o. box 1086
alexandria, mn 56308
i'll be posting when i can, or when i have something to say. keep checking in on me, i can't wait to hear how all your summers are too! so be in touch! all that's left here are a few last dinners (siam terrace tonight, yum. mock duck. yum.) and the last two or three boxes. i don't care that it's the hole punch and the bathmat in the same box. if there are only two or three boxes like that, it's better than the last few times i've moved. i still have to find a place to dump my rug, and a lot of kitchen stuff that will go to friends.
alright.... see you in the next state. peace

stuck

i only have a few minutes before todd comes over, we're going to a korean restaraunt he's been talking aout the whole time i've lived here...the goodbyes continue.
i'm stuck. i've arrived at the part of packing to move where i just want to throw away everything i haven't packed yet...which can only mean that the next phase is the part where you throw the drinking glasses and the stapler into the same box because you just don't care. great, i hate that phase even more than sitting here staring at my stuff wishing it would just pack itself or go away.
so far so good in the sense that everything is in a manageable sized box and with like objects. some boxes are inventoried for easier access when unpacking from the storage unit in august (into an apartment that does not yet exist)...i just don't want to continue, and in spite of the fact that i have been working at a reasonable pace for days, everytime i look around the apartment i swear i'm not even half finished. it's exhausting to do and worse to think about.
SIDENOTE (the news is on in the background) does anyone else think the irony is HYSTERICAL that viagra and blindness are being linked??????
so, it's a matter of days (i pick up the uhaul truck on tuesday morning) until i leave. i'm not completely packed, i have to spend saturday shopping for fabric in chicago for the summer season, and i'm not sure how i'm going to get the car up to minnesota with me (there was a plan, it fell through...there are other plans on the radar, but unfulfilled as of yet, and too many factors to describe). i feel like the next week of my life is going to take an awful lot out of me before it's done, but much like many of the weeks i've been here, i just keep plugging along and hope for the best....
peace.

pomp and stuff

well it's amazing how a thing can just be done.
a robe, a hood, a stage to cross, and a thing to be done.
my mom came thursday, and win came on saturday morning... it was so nice to have visitors, and especially to be able to show this place off a little, to have people here at a time when i'm happy and not stressed and hateful. my mom and i went to cafe paradiso, and artmart..and mirabelle, the bakery. it was nice. she's been here three times, but always in movember and march, so she'd never seen the neighborhood in green. it is beautiful...
on sunday graduation was at 10...by the time i got there i was over the shoes, but what are you going to do... the ceremony was short and sweet, which was nice, and we took a lot of pictures after wards. then we packed a picnic and went out to allerton, which is an estate turned park about twenty minutes away. the weather wasn't great, but it was alright. mama and i got carried away as always, and jacob, todd, mati, and matt came along for the ridiculousness....prosciutto and melon, potato salad, mimosas...red wine. life's good. we walked through the park after lunch, saw the peony garden and discovered the accoustic secrets of the sunken garden. took a mass nap in the grass in the foo dog garden. definitely a good day...
mama left this morning, we've done some packing and some visiting. we went to springfield yesterday to the frank lloyd wright house, and the lincoln museum. that was fun... even the packing was alright. the place looks a little strange, partly packed. but there's lots left to do and a lot of the details of the whole move that i'm still trying to iron out...
i'm picking up a uhaul on the 31st and leave town on the 1st.....lots and lots to do

psst... wait, psst, did you hear that????

*THAT* MY FRIENDS, WAS...
THE SOUND OF THE 5/8" BINDER SNAPPING SHUT FOR THE LAST TIME.
THE SOUND OF THE LITTLE PRINTER THAT COULD FORCING OUT THE FINAL PAGE, A LABEL FOR THE SPINE OF SAID BINDER.
THE SOUND OF THE LITTLE PAPER CUTTER THAT CONQUERED THE WORLD SLIDING ITS FINAL SLICES.
shhhh... did you hear that?
*THAT* WAS THE SOUND OF ME FINISHING MY THESIS!
(also the sound of me rolling around on my floor giggling with unfettered glee...except that there is no room on my floor.)
will i check it one more time? probably not...afterall, it's the written thesis for a show that closed in november. it's the thing i've been "finishing" ever since. it's finished. that means done. other people read it, i can't look at it again.
and all along, through thick and thin, the theme has been:
THIS THESIS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DJ SPREE, COLDPLAY, THE NUMBER 1.75, AND THE LETTERS J, M, and YOU.
thanks to my parents for teaching me the way, and my friends for lighting it from all distances...eternal gratitude all around. NOW LET'S GO OUT AND PLAY!!!
it's 1:30 in the morning. i haven't made sense for the duration of most of the friendships that read this post, but i'm pretty damn sure i'm about to cease with the sense making for the remainder.... tomorrow i finish my independent study, and then i think i'll be drunk, cleaning my house drunk, for at least three days. i love you, good night.

pee ess: 1.75 is the amount of money required to purchase a tasty pint of lienenkugel's beer at the iron post. now you know.

oof. da.

yep. that's how it goes... i got some practice this weekend, in minnesooota.
drove up to minneapolis, spent the weekend at lora's (much love for the hospitality and the mileage to both you and matt), checked out a couple apartments, drank with the hommies (much love for the giggles and the hugs, but 9 dollars for a pint and a shot? i don't know if i'm cool enough for uptown...i've been in smallsville too long), met with directors for the summer (just now heard from the fink putz, to those of you to whom that means something, he referred to *both* shows, which i fear means ill tidings for charlie brown and all his pals... yuk). it was a great weekend. solid. oh, wait! except for that one time that it SNOWED on the first of may!!! what am i doing? this is nuts. who moves to a place where it snows in may???
i'm workin away. last day of classes is wednesday. plenty to do before then...eh.
i'm not sure how else i'm feeling. like the end is near and it brings too many things to deal with. head in sand sounds ideal, but i know from experience it just results in a stiff neck and small silicone granuales in your sinuses. none too comfortable really... i feel like i had a lot more to say, but i don't know. call me. maybe it happens in person. or maybe i won't answer because i'm up to my neck in work. the end of semester list is beginning though --in a couple days i can clean my apartment, i can get a haircut, i can do laundry, i can go to the grocery store, i can remember whether to stand or sit. i know it doesn't apply as a girl, but it is the best description of grad school EVER: jess raynes, an acting mfa, in response to how grad school was going, once told me: "man, it's a lot. i mean, i'm storing shakespeare monologues in my short term memory and anywhere i can stick it and i'm accessing my long term term memory just to figure out whether to stand or sit when i'm in the can..." ok, that might not have been his exact words, but it was brilliant. also BRILLIANT, director peter moore's description of hello dolly! for me: "yeah, it's eye candy, but this isn't a whitman's sampler, it's more like godiva".... best concept statement EVER. i should get back to work, since whatever profoundness i thought i held has clearly leaked out my ear.... wheeeee.

the cat hates it

and frankly so do i.
there is no clear space anywhere in my living room, as the supplies for a 1/4" model have taken over the universe. how could something so small be such an enormous pain in the ass? today in class my friend tesia said: makes you wish for 1/8" fingers. the cat's so pissed at the lack of lounge space she doesn't even seem to want to smell things. this is disturbing.
this week's a little overwhelming. it's causing me to make a noise i don't know how to spell. that's unusual. peace out, off to edit said thesis and go to bed. tomorrow, more of the same...and on and on until it's done.

postcards from the middle

or, delusions of an audience...
it would seem that the idea of having an instantly publishable forum for my ramblings is an attractive one. who knew? i know, you did.
driving up from edwardsville this morning was interesting...maybe it's the idea that someone will read these thoughts, or the nostalgic elements of having a finite amount of time left in a space. or this theme of the return of saturn that's been running around in the background for a while... but there seemed a lot more to notice. am finally forced to admit that i grew up in a place without the ritual of seasons (we have them, i still maintain, but they definitely don't hold the power they do here --if you didn't get this rant in person, last week it was 80 for three days and then on saturday it could have SNOWED)...one of the things a true spring will teach you is the depth and variation of the color green. at first it makes you do a double take, it's not real it's so fresh. resurrection green. eventually it deepens and mellows --down south it's been a little warmer, you can really tell in just a 170 mile trip. here it's still somewhere in the middle.
i stopped in effingham, at three separate truck stops and couldn't find a single postcard of the giant cross. for a moment i thought i really HAD made it up, but check it out: http://www.roadsideamerica.com/ ...you can search for giant cross, and you can also check out the world's biggest catsup bottle in collinsville, illinois, about 15 minutes from jacob's. i never get tired of taking that route to run errands, it's just too much fun. as i rolled back into town i passed another sight i can't believe i've never told you about and i couldn't make up if i tried: prairie state pig insemenation. awesome.
also along the road past red barns with tin roofs and not-quite-driftwood colored ones collapsing in on themselves (o! to live in a place where things are allowed to fall down and aren't instantly bulldozed to become mulit-family housing!) came some musings about gratitude (again with the leaving here soon theme)... to my midwestern friends who get happy about tunnels, and teach me how grain silos are filled and what combines are (and laugh because i can't remember the answer well enough to tell anyone else what a combine is)... what the hell are those things with the gynormous tires???? they were everywhere today. to midwestern friends who've taught me to appreciate trains and never cease to find it amusing because i still want to count the cars the way mama and i used to, even when the train stretches on out of sight. to my midwestern friends who've taught me that the phrase "smells like rain" isn't as all inclusive as it might sound. and that the answer to "what's that smell?!" is "southland farms" (frequently the main body of campus is downwind from the ag dept...never knew there were so many different cow shit smells)...
and now i'm back in urbana, sitting outside at cafe paradiso eating pasta salad after a wholly unsuccessful research trip to the 3rd largets university library in the country. really. all the good it does me to attend the university with the 3rd largest research library in the country is that it affords me the opportunity to be that much more indignant when i can't find whatever i'm looking for.
right. i should finish my food and go home to pet the cat, since i probably won't have time to again all week. the paper thesis announced finished in my last post really requires some heavy editing, and the rest of it's not quite as marvelously close to done as i'd hoped. it's due the last week of classes (which would be next week, what the F?), but i'm determined to turn it in before i leave for minneapolis on friday. on principal. haven't done a thing before the last minute all three years, think i'll make a big splashy statement. also have a final project due thursday that's in reasonable shape but by no means assembled. it would seem that the period of stupor after the scottish play closed is over. BACK ON THE PONY! yipe.

heh.

it worked... the phone rang twice this morning unexpectedly. sweet...
think i'm done writing my thesis, as of this morning. for something i've been ducking, dodging and avoiding as best i can, it finished up pretty easily. passing it off to friends to edit and comment on this week. now trying not to count minutes until i can leave here.... how are you?

um....

if you think it's funny that i have a blog, you're right.
what will you find here? what will this mean? i do not know. probably nothing. i'll probably forget all about it next week... but i'm getting to a point in life where everything's on the cusp, nothing will be the same in the blink of an eye, and i'm at a loss for thoughts on the matter for the most part.
grad school is ending. can this be possible? how have i lived in illinois for three years? how have i been so far removed from my college friends for so long? how have i been blessed to make so many friends here and through here?
i've learned a lot...boy howdie have i. but now what? will i apply it? forget it? determine that it has no bearing on an actual career? who knows....it's a vaguely squishy feeling, not knowing what's next. remember when you graduated from college? yeah, except now you've got a skill set you're supposed to be able to DO something with, and you're closer to 30 (HOW does that matter? when did i and my friends become old enough to even CARE about thirty?), and you're in a state you never thought you'd live in, moving in a direction that is definitely not the homeward bound one you imagined... it's squishy, that's all there is to it.
so here's what is happening...i'm going to edwardsville this weekend to see jacob's final design project show. then next weekend i'm going to minneapolis to neighborhood shop and meet with directors for the summer season. then it's jacob's graduation and then my mom comes (3 weeks from yesterday) for a week and my graduation. then i pack my apartment into a uhaul (which i reserved last week, perhaps bringing on the specificity of squishy), and driving it to a storage space outside minneapolis (also reserved last week), and heading up to alexandria minnesota, to theatre l'homme dieu (lahommadoo to those of you who don't speak minnesotan), to be the resident costume designer for Hello Dolly! (yes, you can smirk), Sisters of Swing, The Diary of Anne Frank, and You're a Good Man Charlie Brown... it's the place i worked last summer, a place that makes me incredibly happy. a place with a lake. a place that is a belly rub for the soul.
and then. i'm moving to minneapolis to free lance costume design. these are sometimes the scariest nine words in the english language. sometimes, not so scary...sometimes totally natural.
so that's what next... who knows how this thing will work out, but hopefully it will put me in closer touch with people i love and miss... peace out.